World Domination Update
“The Plot Sickens”
vol. IV, iss. ii
“The voice of one crying in the wilderness”
—Matthew 3:3
Secret Word of the Day: Yerf
Site of the week: Hamster Splat
Barbecue Sauce of the Week: K.C. Masterpiece Honey Smoke
Now Playing: KBAQ (89.5 FM)
In this issue:
· Fun on the Farm
· The Lost Lighter
· Food for Thought
· A Hairy Sermon
· Living Laundry
· Ask Evil Matt
· Hedgehog Nipple Count
Hi, boys and girls!
Let’s begin by stopping to reflect on today’s significance: the 7th anniversary of the Waco conflagration. The meaning is clear: if the government doesn’t approve of your religion, you’d better have a good attorney and some asbestos handy. Are your beliefs BATF-approved? Certainly hope so, because otherwise billy club-brandishing Brain Police may pay you a visit with a no-knock warrant and a flamethrower.
Today is also our unofficial 3rd anniversary as a cyber-ministry, so hopefully all of you remembered to say your Hail Vernon’s and singe some hair with that lighter you should be keeping handy.
Since we’ve been doing this for three years now, saint and I would like to take a moment to thank all of you for your continued support, sympathy, and suggestions—without which none of this would have been possible. (Well, it would have, but it with an audience of two...) Thanks, folks, for keeping your lighters handy and your minds open.
Indeed, saint and I were touched at the turnout for our new cave-warming party last week. It was a great success, rip-roaring fun, and if you missed it then you just plain suck. Rev. 451 had some awesome hot wings, MariLewanna brought a couple kegs of Killians, Friendly Fire had some great... well, no one’s sure what they were but they were damned tasty. And of course, FireSkunk was the BarbeQueen. Hell, even heretical arch-nemesis DK brought over a good-will bowl of Ranch Dressing, which everyone wisely avoided. The one sad note was Balls-of-Fire having a few brews too many and almost blowing his pecker off while taking a piss in the minefield perimeter. At least ol’ boy didn’t whiz on the electric fence...Since we’ve cleared out the cave, it also seemed fitting to completely overhaul the cyber-compound at the same time. The front-end entrance was completely revamped, and we also have lain the foundations for the Athenæum; FireSkunk (our in-compound librarian) and I have been working hard on stocking it into a full-fledged reference library for general use among members. One of the most important contributions, from my standpoint, was putting up an acceptable HTML version of one of my novels, essene. Good stuff, if creepy and disturbing, and an excellent exercise in lateral thinking. The preliminary reviews are already in. I hope to have revamped HTML of some other works up shortly.
Anyway, if you haven’t seen the cyber-compound lately, check it out. For those of you new or not paying attention, it’s www.BranchFloridians.org.
At this point I’d like to sneak in a quick thanks for those of you who have actively made contributions worthy of kudos; the snazzy fire logo comes courtesy of Burning Bush, RawBurn and Cinder have done some lesser (yet impressive) graphics, and MariLewanna has done some general tweezing here and there that has contributed to the overall flow and appearance.
MariLewanna has done a half-decent job of redeeming herself after that heinous statement of saying Zappa sounds a lot like the Grateful Dead, largely by making some good contributions to the compound and even putting in a decent BF/FZ link on her own home page. For this she has been elevated to head of security (fitting since she was in the army and her favorite band is Korn...) If you remember her Ministry Mishap, she is actively seeking justice for that brutal so-wrong done to her, and may even get saint in on the legal proceedings as a collateral witness. Details as they happen, and we are even setting up a MariLewanna Defense Fund to cover the cost (and help wean her of EverQuest addiction.) Now, if she’d only settle up on the Sheik Yerbouti CD that she scratched, she might even get taken off of saint’s shit list...
Lastly, everyone give a heart-warming howdy to Wolfire, our latest pledge. She’s only 15, but has a very open mind and a desire to learn what’s really going on. Before coming in contact with saint, she had no idea about things like who the Branch Davidians or Lee Harvey Oswald were (she’s 15; cut her some slack) but afterwards said “wow, I had no idea....” saint summed it up best: “hey, if we reach one new mind, it’s worth it.” Now we just need to get her some sanitary Zappa tapes so we can really warp her mind...
...in other news...
Waco Update
Last month the Government, at the request of both the Danforth Inquiry and attorneys representing the Davidians in their wrongful death suit against the Feds, reenacted the final hours of the siege for the benefit of comparative analysis of a FLIR (Forward Looking Infra Red) camera that picked up some suspicious flashed from government positions. The government maintains that these are the reflections of “broken glass and debris in sunlight,” and that no shots were fired by FBI (or Delta Force) members that day. This strikes me as akin to another FBI statement made a few decades earlier by director J. Edgar Hoover: “There is no organized crime in America.”
Unfortunately, Vector Data Systems, the court-appointed expert examining results of the re-enactment, won’t have its report ready until May 8 at the earliest. A side effect of this is that the Davidians’ trial date has been pushed back to June 19.
As for that trial, the government is actively moving to have four charges dismissed, the major one being that the government was responsible for the fire. Surviving Davidians have steadfastly maintained that one of the FBI tanks knocked over a kerosene lamp when it plowed into a wall, but the government denies this by saying that the fire started “a full minute” after the tank knocked the wall (and lamp) down. Government attorneys are also trying to get dismissed three other important aspects: federal agents phuqed up in not bringing in firefighting equipment, they held back firefighters as the compound burned, and that the use of tanks to knock down the compound deviated from the operations plan approved by Attorney General Janet Reno. All three of these facts are just that: facts (and part of the public record,) but the government does not want those to be part of the trial. If successful, this maneuver will leave the Davidians with just two points on which to prosecute: whether the BATF used excessive force on the initial raid, and whether the FBI sniped at fleeing survivors during the fire.
In related news, the Danforth inquiry is doing a
renewed investigation into the actual gassing, calling in some experts on CS gas
to comment and clarify some issues. I, for one, am glad someone is finally
doing this, because the official report shows that the CS gas used that day was “fortified with kerosene.” For those unfamiliar with
Mid last month, the Ugandan sect called “The Movement for the Restoration for the Ten Commandments of God” crashed and burned with a surprisingly high casualty count.
Okay, so saint maybe flew out to Entebi International on March 16th and back to Phoenix Sky Harbor on the 18th, but that doesn’t mean anything... Following Rule Number Two, we ‘Deny Everything’ about any (alleged) involvement in this tragic happening.
That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.
Seems that last issue’s Smackdown Rant struck close to home for a number of readers, who seem to have channel surfed onto the same-named wrestling show just after reading it. One of you made a good call about it: “it’s a soap opera for guys.”
Admittedly, there is sort of a roadkill fascination to the whole thing: so sickening that you want to yerf, yet you can’t help but watch. Steroid-sloped foreheads, crazier costumes than Rocky Horror Picture Show, and lots of big-tittied women as window dressing; according to Gibbon, Rome fell for pretty much the same reasons.
I was going to fall back on the truism “but it’s a sport, and sports are evil,” but “pro” wrestling isn’t a “real” sport: it’s “entertainment” for pre-pubescent teens who have lots of testosterone but no cable.
I have to admit, I was over at the New Blue Light recently and saw an episode of Smackdown. Boy, was I surprised. Wrestling used to be more choreographed than a performance of Swan Lake, and about as predictable as an old Boston election. Last time I saw wrestling was about 20 years ago. Back then the thing was just so blatantly staged. One team would be named something like “The Humungo Twins” and come out dressed like cave men; the others would be average-joes John Smith and Mike Jones in plain baggy leotards. I always figured they should just come out in red Star Trek shirts, because you just knew there was no way they’d win. But wait! The two anonymous challengers I saw actually won against the audience favorites. Have to admit, that threw me for a loop.
Doesn’t matter, of course; wrestling still sucks.
Bee-buzz-begone!
As many of you may have noticed, I have been perpetually plagued by the problem that “my bee won’t stop buzzing!” I’ve Asked Evil Matt about this a number of times, and prophetically he last told me that it was my keyboard. Good call by the Evil One, because by last issue the letter ‘B’ had all but gone out on my ’board. Unless I smashed it down, in which case I got three or four of them. Not only that, but the ‘N’ and the ‘S’ were also dying, and the left ‘shift’ key had pretty much given up the ghost. But for some reason it was that uncooperative ‘B’ that irked me most.
So taking EM’s advice, I decided to bite the bullet, dip into the Branch Floridian coffers, and purchase a new one.
Quite coincidentally, there was a flyer up on a DP bulletin board selling spare computer parts, including a brand new/never used keyboard for $5. I gave the guy a call, got directions, and headed right over with a fin in hand.
The seller was some Hindi living in a small apartment complex near DP; I quickly found the ’plex, but got hopelessly lost finding the actual apartment. M.C. Escher couldn’t have designed a more complicated, confusing layout. So I’m wandering around like a dipshit looking for the place, and happened to notice this one little girl out on a second story balcony. Cute girl, from what I could see; maybe 5. She was playing with a big red helium balloon.
Couple minutes later, I wandered
by her place again, still hopelessly lost. She was still there, but her balloon was not. She was keenly aware of this, and I could hear her lament.
“Where’d my balloon
go?”
All eyes turned to the sky, which was completely clear.
A moment later, she ponders, “Maybe God took it!”
I dunno; I thought it was funny.
No, huh...
Anyway, the new keyboard works fine, and at long last my bee has stopped buzzing.
The Lost Lighter
Here now with a tragic tale of flammable frustration is saint’s right hand man, Reverend 451.
Woe and sorrow to all the faithful. Let us flick our Bics and light our Zippo’s in memory of a dearly departed brother. He was a Camel. That is to say - he was a Camel special edition Zippo, purchased with Camel Cash and available only by mail order. He was special indeed.
The Reverend Fairinheight was invited to party themed around “That 70s Show” from the FOX network. So not to raise suspicion, he accepted the invitation. (For those of you who are not familiar with the Reverend Fairinheight of the 451st Order Of The Apocalypse, he has chosen to fight for Branch Floridian interests by infiltrating one of the Brain Police’s most powerful groups: the propaganda machine known as Network Television. While shade and others concentrate on toppling the BP’s chief strategist, Bill Gates, the Reverend rages against another head of the BP beast: Rupert Murdoch.) The Reverend showed up in costume with the Camel Zippo at his side. I know you’re thinking that the presence of the lighter may have tipped off BP operatives to REV451’s true nature, but the Zippo was also in disguise with a groovy 70’s pattern on its cover. After a few hours of sweating, gyrating and becoming dizzy from the spinning lights and lack of fresh air; the Reverend retreated to the back deck for a well-deserved break. Whilst outside, the Reverend generously offered the services of his lighter to some co-workers and they were grateful. Somehow (and the Rev’s memory is still fuzzy on this) the Reverend and his lighter became separated. Only when he awoke the next morning, did he realize his grave error. The lighter was not turned into the owners of the restaurant where the party was held and the Reverend had nearly given up hope. Then a chance encounter with a female co-worker revealed that the girl had picked up the lost lighter before leaving the party. The Reverend could hardly contain his joy. She went to her car to retrieve it, but came back empty-handed. “I’m sorry,” she said “I threw it away.”The Reverend dropped to his knees cursing the sky and saying a short prayer for all lighters everywhere.
REV: Why did you throw it away?
GIRL: Because it was empty. [Anyone
with sympathy (or spare Camel Cash) can reach the good Reverend at
] Many of you have noticed a
preoccupation in the Updates with food. This started with a fixation on barbecue sauce, quickly devolved into a
crusade for extra cheese, and now wallows in tirades against pretty much every
within driving distance. I hate food. I mean,
I’m trying to take over the world; I don’t want to stop what I’m doing to eat.
It’s time-consuming, it’s messy, and over the course of your lifetime it’s
costing you a
small fortune that could better be spent elsewhere. Worse, food can be very addictive, and if you know people with
weight problems you know exactly what I’m talking about. But the most sickening thing about food is,
if you don’t eat, you’ll DIE. In fact, I will go so far to say
that food is actually proof that either God does not exist, or is grossly
incompetent in our design. saint and I
sharply disagree on this, but hear me out: eating is by definition predatory
and parasitic, because we as mammals have to kill something else to do it. And like I said, if you
don’t eat, you’ll
die from starvation. It’s kill or be
killed. That is so wrong! Plants have it made, far as I’m concerned,
because photosynthesis is free, easy, and harmless to all parties involved. Vegetarianism attempts to solve,
or at least lessen, the hostile aspects of eating under the guise of “humanitarian compassion.”
Bullyerf. Vegetarianism actually
strikes me as more sadistic than a carnivorous alignment. After all, a cow can bite back, a fish can
swim away, a chicken can peck at you... but what’s a head of lettuce going to
do to defend itself?!? Kosherness also attempts to
solve this problem by humanely (and, in theory, painlessly) dispatching the
sacrificed animal. Something is
considered clean (“Kosher”) if it has cloven hooves and chews a
cud; likewise if it is neither cloven-hooved and doesn’t chew a cud it’s
okay. Both or neither and you’re good to go to dinner, but having one but not the other is a no-no. Unfortunately, the Kosher Laws in Leviticus
don’t work: Leviticus 13:6
incorrectly identifies a rabbit as a cud-chewing animal. Clearly, the Laws have flaws. Also flawed is our whole
attitude towards food, which is the real point in this rant. If we are forced to eat, we must reevaluate
our approach towards this edible narcotic. Let’s start with how we classify food itself. Most of you probably remember
the “Four Food Groups,” namely ‘meat,’ ‘dairy’, ‘fruits & veggies’ and
‘grains.’
This classification system smacks of Brain Police construction, because what’s
a mushroom? Fungi are clearly none of
the above, and I could list others that are as well. So clearly we need a new system. I propose, for Branch Floridian
purposes, a new system of classification, which solves both the kosherness and
food group discrepancies:
REV: It was a ZIPPO!!!!!
GIRL: So?
REV: It was refillable!!!!!!!
GIRL: Oh. I didn’t know. I’ve never used one before.
REV: That was a 50 dollar lighter!!!!!!
GIRL: Why would you pay $50 for a lighter? You can get them at a
gas station for a buck.
At this point, the girl handed the Reverend a no-name disposable lighter
(purchased at a gas station) and said he could keep it as a replacement for the
lighter she threw away. Insulted, the Reverend walked away, refusing the
gift. Children, when saint says to keep your lighter handy, heed his advice
but be aware that it carries a serious responsibility to care for and protect
that lighter. The Reverend learned a very harsh lesson that night. He also learned that Disco Music is one of
the more insidious Brain Police weapons and we should be wary of the fact that
it is making a comeback.
The Four Food Gripes
· Cigarettes
· Coffee
· Everything Else
Here’s the breakdown within each:
BBQ Sauce:
Garlic Kosher
Hickory Kosher
Honey Kosher
Paprika Un-Kosher
Cigarettes:
Filtered Kosher
Herbal Kosher
Menthol Un-Kosher
Coffee:
Decaf Un-Kosher
Sugar Kosher
Sweet & Low Kosher (but nasty)
Cream Kosher
Milk Kosher
Non-dairy Creamer Unknown (since no one
knows what’s in non-dairy creamer)Everything Else: use your judgment (ie: Think For Yourself!)
(according FireSkunk, the following are grossly unkosher: tuna, hominy, Fresca, and spumoni)
A Hairy Sermon
By
Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him?
—1st Corinthians 11:14
Actually, Paul, no it does not. After all, if God didn’t want us to have long hair, it wouldn’t grow, would it?
I think this passage shows that Paul was on the Roman equivalent of crack at the time (which I suspect anyway...) But why take my word on the matter—which you shouldn’t be doing anyway, because you should be THINKING FOR YOURSELF—let’s see what the rest of the Bible has to say...
The only instance (I am aware of) where God commands short hair is Ezekiel 44:20 (“They must not shave their heads or let their hair grow long, but they are to keep the hair of their heads trimmed.”) which is specific to “the Levitical priests, the sons of Zadok, who keep charge of My sanctuary.” (44:15)
Otherwise, The Lord actually wants His followers to have long hair! Consider:
- “Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.” (Lev. 19:27) [This is why orthodox Jews have the long curly sideburn-things, called talos. Like the majority of Laws, including the very next verse prohibiting tattoos, it most likely is a backdated reaction against priests of Ba’al, who shaved their heads and tattooed themselves.]
- “During the entire period of his vow of separation no razor may be used on his head. He must be holy until the period of his separation to The Lord is over; he must let the hair of his head grow long.” (Num 6:5) [This is part of the vow of a Nazirite (“one separated” or “one consecrated”) upon which we shall comment at length later.]
Interestingly, Isaiah uses cutting hair metaphorically to show Israel being subdued for its sins: “In that day The Lord will use a razor hired from beyond the River—with the King of Assyria—to shave your head and the hair of your legs, and to take off your beards also.” (7:20) Somewhat less metaphorically, Jeremiah (7:29) has God ordering short hair as a sign of anguish against the wicked ways of the people: “Cut off your hair and throw it away; take up a lament on the barren heights, for The Lord has rejected and abandoned this generation that is under His wrath.” Here we should read that normally God wanted long hair but in this specific case recommends removing it as a sign of disgust of the people.
A number of Old Testament figures are noted for having Long hair. A relatively bad example is Absalom, King David’s third son. I say bad example because Absalom killed his older half-brother Amnon for raping his sister, and later (with debatable justification) leads a small revolt against David, which ultimately fails and results in Absalom’s death (contrary to David’s orders.) However, Absalom was the most beautiful man in Israel at the time, and was specifically noted for his hair: “Whenever he cut the hair of his head—he used to cut his hair from time to time when it became too heavy for him—he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard.” (2 Sam 14:26). That’s a lot of hair—about five pounds—and interestingly this passage in context occurs before things got bad between Absalom and David. If God wanted Absalom (or indeed anyone else) to have short hair, He would not have tolerated it at that time.
There is a good chance that Samuel, the prophet (for lack of a better word) who enthroned Saul and later David, also had long hair. Saul’s mother, Hannah, was barren, and in an attempt to do something about this “...she made a vow, saying, ‘The Lord Almighty, if You will only look upon Your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget Your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to The Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head’.” (1 Sam 1:11) There is no indication whether Samuel kept his mother’s vow by keeping his hair, but I am willing to bet he did.
Of course, the most famous long-haired figure in the Bible is Samson. You all know the story; strongest guy in Israel, and his strength was his hair. God gave specific instructions to his mother, while he was still in the womb: “No razor may be used on his head, because the boy is to be a Nazirite, set apart to God from birth, and he will begin the deliverance of Israel from the hands of the Philistines.” (Judges 13:5) Granted, Samson was a curious figure and arguably not the best role model: he hung out with prostitutes, killed thousands of Philistines in essentially a personal grudge match, and spent most of his time yerfing a woman (Delilah) who was not even his wife! However, we are concerned with hair here, and let’s take Samson’s own word on the matter: “A razor has never come upon my head, for I have been dedicated (“a Nazirite”) to God from my mother’s womb.” (16:17) Again, if long hair was a disgrace to man, as Paul wants us to think, then why does God command Samson to have long locks and link his strength to it?
To untangle the mystery of the Pauline passage, we need to turn to its contemporary context. As has been well documented (and well downplayed/apologized away by orthodox observers) Paul was in direct conflict with James, Jesus’ younger brother who essentially ran the Church after Jesus’ death. James was an observer of the Rechabite tradition (a righteous movement back-datedly based on the family of Rechab in Jeremiah 35.) The Rechabite tradition included abstention from wine and meat (ie: vegetarianism), celibacy, and—surprise surprise—long hair. I suspect what we have here is another Pauline pot-shot at James’ authority.
Two final thoughts on the matter.
First, although there is no indication of what Jesus looked like, we have ample precedent above that if someone is dedicated to God from birth, they are not to cut their hair—ever. I think it’s safe to say that Jesus was dedicated to God from birth, and indeed it is believed (though not universally) in scholarly circles that the term “Jesus of Nazareth” is actually a Greek misunderstanding of the Hebrew “Jesus the Nazirine.”
Lastly, Paul himself, if he observed the traditions mentioned above, should himself have had long hair, because “...He had set me aside before I was born...” (Galatians 1:15.) Paul’s attitude here is merely another example of his hypocrisy.
Anyone wishing to comment or criticize upon this exegesis can click .
Secrets of the Universe
- By
Last time we learned how to kill someone with a potato. Now we learn how laundry works.
Laundry is a problem that everyone faces, but unfortunately few truly understand. Here is an important fact that is very rarely recognized:
Laundry is alive.
Consider: if you leave laundry alone, it grows. That’s because it’s breeding. Think about it, and the pattern is obvious: pants begat underwear, shirts spawn bras. And laundry lives off of socks. That’s why socks disappear: they’re being eaten by the rest of the laundry. Oddly enough, only left socks are eaten, too.
This ecosystem actually extends to the laundry machine, which is also alive. The water and the detergent are nutrients, and the pieces of laundry sort of act as remoras for the machine itself. Occasionally the machine will eat one of the pieces of laundry, or at the very least vampirically suck some of the color out of some clothing (much like a tic drains blood off a dog.) Taking this a step further, we even find this relationship in dry-cleaners, which are known to have a fondness for eating buttons and zippers yet shit out a hanger and a plastic wrap around the clothing.
Ask Evil Matt
- The Evil One
fields your queries, as channeled by Sister Ob’dewlla ‘X’.
Q: Why are people so afraid of evil?
A: This is a sticky issue that quickly degenerates into semantical nitpicking that is more shade’s domain than my own. However, I will give you the short answer and a brief explanation/justification of it. Basically, people are afraid of evil due to conditioned acceptance of subjective stereotypes. In other words, people are afraid of evil because they are told to be. Now the big question is, what is ‘evil’? This is where matters get murky and subjectivity comes into play. The Nazi Holocaust is considered ‘evil’ by outsiders, though the Nazi’s themselves considered it ‘good’. The Catholic Inquisition was considered evil by outsiders, but within was considered ‘good.’ Is there a difference between the two? Not really, except in the casualty count. But one is considered good, and one is considered evil. See my point? If not, let’s look at Hiroshima. Is arbitrarily vaporizing one hundred thousand defenseless civilians in an atomic instant good or evil? Some will no doubt cry foul to that example, invoking the broader context of World War 2. By doing so, they may (or may not) begin to get an idea of the complexity of the ‘evil question.’ ‘Evil’ is an arbitrary, abstract CONCEPT that depends on situation and perspective. For those who don’t think for themselves, the parameters of that concept are dictated by the Brain Police. To come full circle to your question then, people are afraid of evil because they don’t think for themselves but instead blindly accept the Brain Police stereotypes and do what the BP tell them to do.
Q: Where’s a good place to pick up women around here?
A: Lamas classes. You can also try Planned Parenthood.
Q: What was the first man-made object to break the sound barrier?
A: The whip. The tip of a whip is moving faster than the speed of sound, and it’s distinctive “crack” is actually a tiny sonic boom.
Q: Why are there points at the bottom of "W"? Since the letter is called "double-U" I would think it would have rounded bottoms. Instead, we seem to have a "double-V".
A: This dates back to when Brain Police were (re)designing the English alphabet. It’s a complex story, but essentially the “V” was substituted in for the “U” during a midnight brainstorming session on “intermediate literacy confusion.” Interestingly, that same session also created the letter “C” for no real reason—it is redundant, in that “K” and “S” do the same jobs. Perhaps the most famous result of that night was when the “H” was taken out of “sugar.” (Think how you pronounce “sugar” and then wonder why it’s not spelled “shugar.”)
Q: Why do songs get stuck in your head?
A: I am still researching this and have yet to find an adequate answer; I didn’t want you to think I’d forgotten you. Currently the evidence is pointing in two different directions.
1) It is essentially a memory issue where you have associated a sound with something, and your current mood is triggering a loop based on that association.
2) As is well known, Brain Police agents had infiltrated the music industry from the start, and secretly worked in subliminal instructions into the mix. A song stuck in your head is a trigger of one of these specific programs. (This may explain why every time I get an N’Sync song stuck in my head I want to kill somebody...)
Got a question? .
- And finally,
The Hedgehog Corner
By Harriet the Hedgehog
Nipple Count
Out of the 18,000 species of mammals, the tenrec (Centetes Ecaudatus), a hedgehog-like insectivore indigenous to Madagascar, has the largest number of nipples with 22 to 24.
two tenrecs (nipples not shown)
write to Harriet: .
- That’s all for now, folk, so remember:
Trust no one
Deny Everything
and Always keep your lighter handy!