in this issue:

· Archives ‘R’ Us
· Martyred for Ministry
· An April Fool’s Easter Egg
· Hell Boyles Over
· Fun with a Potato
· Ask Evil Matt
· Biker Hogs

Hi, kids!

 

The response to the new Branch Floridian website has been pretty sweet, with the only complaints (other than my own) being “my bee won’t stop buzzing!”  Thank you all for all your support.

I’ve looked at it in several different formats, with the following results:

A pox on the Brain Police and their hoarding wysiwyg techcnology!  Then again, I’m tempted to work with this and embed some coding that will work on some other browsers, too.

The newest addition to the site is now up and active: an archive for the World Domination Updates.  Format has long been a problem for these, with all the fonts and finesse being lost in ascii conversion for general (non-AOL) dissemination.  An on-line archive solves the problem: now you can read this issue (plus back editions) the way they were meant to be read, or at least closer to the ideal.  Effectively there will be two updates now: the one I send out and the html copy I’ll post on the web page(like you are reading now.)  Each will have things that the other does not, but it’d probably be better to check out the site.

I’m also pleased to announce our newest pledges, Harts’o’Fire (nominated courtesy RawBurn) and Colonel Sparky Fluffynuts.  Sparky earned his place with a spontaneous yet powerful testimony to barbeque sauce which I wish I had transcribed. Sweet, and straight from the heart.  The “Fluffynuts” ref has to do with his unique--if tragically off target—take on saint’s infamous “spot Washington’s weenie on a one dollar bill” gag.

If you’ve missed this gem, check it out:

For those who don’t know, Ministry is a band out of Chicago with over a ten year pedigree.  Very fast and repetitive; sounds like heavy industrial machinery with a trance-out factor of 8.  Pretty sweet, if that’s your cup of tea, and excellent to dance to, if you have the energy to keep up.  Lots of subtlety and strangeness in the background.  Lyrics distorted through a whole rack of effects, but when decipherable produce such nugs as:

I’m gonna rip of her head!
I’m gonna shit down her neck!
And I’m gonna laugh like a motherfucker!
’Cuz I HATE HER!
’Cuz I HATE HER!

saint once showed a Ministry movie to DK and his RP recruit, Pears.  Half way through Pears was so pumped that he exclaimed “any more of this and I’m gonna phuqin’n kill somebody!” and left in a rage.  Not for everybody, but for the right people it’s all that and more.

Anyway, Al Jourgensen is to Ministry what Frank Zappa was to the Mothers.  Al’s the man with the infamous cowboy hat that inspired saint to get the one you have all come to love or loathe.

Well, Ministry was in Phoenix last month, and why saint didn’t wear his hat to the show is a mystery.  Would’a been sweet.

Evil Matt said he saw Ministry back in ’90 on the ‘Mind is a terrible thing to taste’ tour; Jello Biafra came out and did the pledge of allegiance.  Evil Matt was impressed: there was a big mosh pit up front, and to keep it at bay the band had put up at the front of the stage, not chicken wire but actual goddamn stockyard fence.

Too bad they didn’t have this set-up at the Celebrity Theatre in Phoenix.

saint went with his friend Marilewanna, who is a hardcore Ministry-ite. 

For those of you who don’t know Marilewanna, let me explain: she’s a big girl, all toughness and ‘tude.  I know this woman: she could kick saint’s ass in a flash.  She was in the Army, for chris’sake, and her favorite band is Korn.  Now you have a picture? Good.

If you want to hear the sordid tragedy in her own words, click here.  Otherwise, the short & dirty is that she jumped up on stage to hug Al, got hauled off by security, got feisty with them, and then got arrested.  When cops threw her to the concrete to cuff her, they broke one of her arms.  SHe ended up getting carted off to the hospital.

saint didn't know any of this, of course.  He said he hung around in the parking lot for about five cigarettes, and when she failed to turn up figured she was either BBP (busted by police) or BBB (backstage blowing the band).

I’ve discussed this with saint, and we both agree that this was really a Brain Police “hit”; sort of terror and intimidation tactics aimed indirectly at saint, or at least potential recruits.  Marilewanna is now our second martyr.

Good show, though.

In other news,,,

Last issue we announced the use of FBI flammable explosives at Waco, and not surprisingly just after that the FBI was forced to ’fess up that ‘oh yeah, maybe we did fire a few.’  Researcher Michael McNulty, who discovered proof of the incendiaries, also claims to have evidence that FBI marksmen sniped at survivors fleeing the flames of Mount Carmel.  That’s a bold statement to make, and I eagerly await what his evidence to back that up, as does the Danforth Inquiry.  It’s been well-established that Delta Force was present from the beginning (even assisting as “training advisors” for the ATF—before the original raid!)  Now we’re starting to find out just how ‘hands-on’ they were through the whole thing, and especially at the end.

But you already knew that, didn’t you…  Details as they arise, but since it’s a government inquiry don’t expect to learn The Truth, let alone anything important.

addendum:

Updating the air bag control conspiracy (III, iii), we have reason to believe that in a Nissan Sentra the air bag gas is “aqua-net” and the recorded message is “Fran Drescher is funny”.  Our basis for this is observation of Heathen (who will never make it in the bucket—EVER.)

eratta:

In regard to our Chiropractor conspiracy (III, iv) several of you fluent in Greek have pointed out that “Chiro” is Greek for ‘hand’, which would make a Chiropractor a ‘Practitioner of the Hand’.  This fits with the old breed of Chiropracty which does all spinal adjustments by hand, as opposed to the new school that uses that weird Spanish Inquisition-like roller contraption.  “Hand Practitioner” makes sense, and meshes with my faith healing theory of ‘laying on hands.’

One of the above-mentioned Greek-speaking nit-pickers is himself a chiroaddict, going once a week ever since a bad bike accident back in February.  He also called foul for me on incorrectly diagnosing Chiropractic theory.  I had believed that Chiropractors were interested in a uniform bone structure, but my “inside source” says it is all about the nervous system.  All adjustments to the spine and joints are made with this specifically in mind.  My “source” also sent me a .gif of a dictionary definition which essentially said the same thing.  If true, I stand corrected on Chirhopractic motif, though I still say there are different “schools” and even my “source” agrees with my basic premise: chirhopracty is bullshit.

Not as bad as Y2K but clearly clocking in a sweet 5 on nuisance scale, a new software bug has been confirmed by Microsoft.

The culprit is the coding of runtime library file MSVCRT.DLL, which is a file that checks the internal system clock for daylight savings adjustments.  Some DOS Nazi Programmer at Microsoft accidentally put a “greater than” symbol into one of the formula lines, instead of “greater than or equal”.  This throws the algorithm off by not allowing it to recognize Daylight Savings Time if it falls on a Sunday.  Testing (both independently and by Microsoft) has already found what will happen: all computers using the file will not adjust for daylight savings time and be one hour slow for one week, until the next Sunday rolls around and the algorithm value will be high enough to push the clocks forward to the “correct” time.

The next Sunday Daylight Savings will be April 1st, 2001.  Because of this, the glitch is known as the April Fool’s Bug.

A1B, as I call it, will hit every computer with a current copy of MSVCRT.DLL on it. The bug is in Windows 95, 98, 2000, and NT 4.  Unfortunately, many programs that utilize timekeeping also have independent copies of the .DLL in their own folders.  A1B discoverer Richard Smith said he found ten copies of it on his pc, all of them corrupted.  Worse, some programs use it, some don’t, so if you try to adjust for the hour yourself to compensate, you’ll throw off other programs that were not originally affected.  You lose either way.

Microsoft claims to be working on a patch to get the ‘greater than or equal’ into the code, but of course this is just a Trojan Horse for them to sneak in other stuff onto your hard drive.

Hopefully by April Fool’s 2001 we’ll all be out at the compound in BadAss, Arizona.  ’Zona don’t go for that Daylight Savings Game, which means we won’t need the Microsoft Patch.

You know, a Microsoft Patch sounds like something MAC or UNIX newbies would use to help wean themselves of Windows.

Disclaimer: this was forwarded to me as a Blind Carbon Copy, and I have been unable to discover the original author.  I cannot, therefore, verify it’s claim of being a “true story”.  Then again, read it and I think you’ll agree that it doesn’t matter.

Last time, we learned how to make plutonium out of common household objetcs.  This week it’s how to kill someone with a potato.

· a pvc pipe, about 3 feet long and 2 inches in diameter
· a threaded pvc elbow joint
· a small, compatibly-threaded piece of pvc pipe
· a gas grill spark/starter
· a solid stick (ramrod)
· a can of aerosol
· a potato (small ones like Russets work best)

The pipe is your barrel; on one end glue the elbow.  Glue the grill starter to one end of the small piece pipe with compatible thread.  The button is your trigger, so you want the sparker unit to be on the inside, and the button to be on the outside.  The piece should screw onto the elbow, making a cap.

Load a potato into one end and ram it down to near the other end.  The potato should fill the tube.

Unscrew the sparker and fill the elbow with as much aerosol as you can.  Try to keep it from escaping (this is tricky) but remember that gas is very compactable and you can get a lot in there. A quarter to half the can should work.  Quickly screw the sparker back into the elbow, trapping the aerosol between it and the potato.

I cannot emphasize enough that you need to make sure you are air-tight on both ends.  If not, you’re taking your fate into what’ll be left of your hands.

Take aim and press the button. The spark will ignite the aerosol, which will force the potato out the open end.

This really works!

The potato will go about 100 yards (!) and at point blank would probably be lethal.

Sweet toy, and guaranteed to break the ice at parties.  For amusement purposes only, with the largest amusement in telling a grand jury how you killed someone with a potato.  So use your head, and don’t be that guy.

Evil Matt fields your queries; guest channeling by Ursula Majors.

Q:  I just stuck my hand into a pile of goo that a moment ago was my best friend’s face, but I still don’t know what to do.