World Domination Update
Secret Word for the Day: Scrooch (alternately, Scrooch the Moose)
Cheese of the Week: String
Site of the Week: The Flat Earth Society Online
Now Playing: Mothers: 200 Motels
Current Conspiracy: FBI Frankenstein
in this issue:
Well folks, it’s April. The sun is in the sky, spring… (sniffffffff) is in the air, and a young man’s fancy turns to World Domination.
April 19 marks a number of important anniversaries in the annals of our past. It is, of course, the fifth anniversary of the Waco conflagration. As such, all Branch Floridians are requested to make a burnt offering of some type—you should all have your lighter handy, so singe something! Hair works fine, but hardcore adherents should be more devious and creative.
Today is also the third ‘versary of the Oklahoma City Bullshit Bomb. The only positive things I can say about this is that McVeigh’s choice of explosive was oddly appropriate. Blowing up an FBI complex with two tons of manure seems fitting, I think (and Gene, if you mention “vertical sequential” one more time I’ll drive over there and Scrooch yer Moose!)
uh oh: here it comes—EVERYBODY sing along!
I’m Lonesome Cowboy Burt,(hehehe—never get tired of that!)
One of our earliest, and most enthusiastic, converts was the Reverend 451. The good Rev heads up the North Carolina annex, and here offers a stirring testament to how the Ministry has helped his mind.
I THINK, THEREFORE THEY HUNT ME DOWN
Branch Floridianism in the Modern World
The Reverend Fairinheight (not to tall, not to short)
Of the 451st Order of The Apocalypse, Branch Floridian
DEAR Brethren and Sistren,
I have often been asked (before I went into seclusion last year) by the uninitiated, “What is Branch Floridianism?” Is it :
A) a political party
B) a religion
C) a philosophical movement
D) part of the Florida Tourist Bureau
E) all of the above
The answer is, of course, 5 tons of flax. On the rare occasion when I come across an intelligent member of our species, he or she will usually draw quick comparisons between Branch Floridianism and Discordianism. If it hurts your brain less, feel free to think of BF as the Bastard Child of Discordia, a stray bullet from the love gun of Malaclypse the Younger having sunk itself into the eggbrain of saint with Eris herself providing surrogate motherhood. If you don’t know what Discordianism is, say three “Hail Vernon”’s, shoot yourself in the foot, and ignore the last sentence. I am speaking of the MODERN BF here. For a complete history of the organization, see shade’s wonderful essay, “DeGenesis: The Origins Of BF (and how to use them for fun & subplots).” We have no secular aspirations other than causing political perspiration (make the little piggies sweat!). There is no philosophy here that, unlike Religion, implies doctrine, and we are not trying to create a new school of thought. BF is not about thinking, it IS thinking! It is our only criteria and as such limits the size of the organization, membership being granted to sentient beings only. So if you have what it takes between your ears and aren’t afraid to use it, join us on the enlightened path. Stand tall and proud and declare aloud “I am a free thinker!” Then duck, because the first volley of bullets will already be on their way.
Yours in spirits (a fifth of bourbon to be exact),
The Rev. 451
(the reverend can be reached at )
you can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think...:
(as channeled by Sister Ob’dewlla ‘X’)
Offspring of the Great Conspiracy Matriarch, Patsy Loan-Nutt, have been active in the past two centuries. While it is a given that her pedigree and prodigy extend beyond that, space and information are limited. Here is by a no-means inclusive family graph for her recent history:
As you can see, there certainly seem to be a lot of Loan-Nutts in history. Odd how “they” want us to believe that it was just one of the Loan-Nutts who “just happened” to be in the right place at the right time with a rifle. Patsy would be pleased.
If you think you know of one of the descendants of Patsy loan-Nutt, let us know. Send your candidate (no Manchurians, please, except Raymond) to: .
“your tax dollars in action” department:
FBI : Farming Bodies Internationally
Most of you probably know that the corpse claimed by the FBI to be John Dillinger’s bore three distinguishing features: the wrong height & wrong eye-color with the “real” Dillinger, and a penis 17 inches flaccid.
For those of you who didn’t know that last fact, I will repeat it, lest ye think it a typo: the body possessed a penis seventeen inches long when soft, and possibly twenty-three inches erect.
But if you knew that already, then it’s old news that said phallus is missing from said corpse. Word around the campfire has always been that it’s in a jar of formaldehyde in a “special” part of the Smithsonian.
I am convinced this is an urban legend.
The truth is far more sinister.
Consider two other body parts known to be missing:
First, we have Che Guevara’s hands. When Che was killed in Bolivia (on direct orders from the CIA) the Bolivians cut off Che’s hands and sent them to D.C. as proof positive that the Che was now in the Past Tense. (cuttin’ off a dead man’s hands, man—what kind of sick savages are we dealing with here?!?) But anyway, those hands have since disappeared.
Second, JFK’s brain has also been missing—ever since the botched autopsy at Bethesda Naval.
Clearly, someone in the government is collecting body parts. Anyone see a pattern: so far “they” have the largest schlong this side of a gray whale, the sensitive hands of a skilled surgeon, and the brain (which controls the sex drive) of the horniest human in history.
This has more than a shade of Mary Shelly to it.What I wanna know is, just what the phuq are they constructing?
Today, April 19th, also marks another anniversary, which is as obscure as it is important: the Martyrdom of Saint shade 1332 years ago.
Since some of you asked,,,
or, shade’s tale
Saint shade is the patron saint of conspiracy and paranoia. Although (public) Church documentation is suspiciously silent about him, this is to be expected and only speaks further to his influence in events out of immediate sight. Private records and histories do have references to him, offering numerous clues as to who he really was. Perhaps the best testimony comes from the anonymous Albigensian manifesto, Lies of the Saints. A badly chipped mosaic behind the alter of the (Byzantine) Mary Magdeline Convent on Lesbos purports to be of him, though it is unclear whether the dark circles over the eyes are deterioration damage or attempts to replicate sunglasses. Likewise, the Cicilian Basilica of St. Unctuous alleges to have two stained glass discs wired together (sunglasses?) supposedly belonging to shade, though this is believed to be a chronologically large anachronism. It must be remembered that the same place also claims to have the circumcised foreskin of Baby Jesus, which recent testing showed to be seven inches long and made of latex.
shade is generally accepted to be the Hatchet Man for Pope (St.) Martin I (who died under duress in a Byzantine prison cell) and his successors, the illegally elected (St.) Eugene I and (St.) Vitalian. Although there is no evidence of shade actually employing a hatchet, his preferred weapon seems to have been a poison pen. Numerous epistles have been uncovered, all bearing the same handwriting and caustic wit. They are some of the best examples of sarcasm, dramatic irony, and double entendre to be found in the Dark Ages. Perhaps most important is Vatican Fragment E23, which is incomplete but would seem to be a recipe for barbecue sauce (a tell-tale ingredient was “lemon curry.”)
All evidence suggests shade played both sides of the contemporary Roman/Byzantine schism. There is extensive evidence of shade’s participation in the failed plot by Martin I and the traitorous Greek exarch Olympus to overthrow Emperor Constans II, though shade’s role and motive is obscure. The exact machinations behind the Byzantine kidnapping of the bedridden Martin I have never been discerned in full, though most scholars suspect some form of traitorous aid from Roman faction(s), which all but names shade. It is well-known that Constans II openly announced that as soon as he had dealt with the infidel upstarts attacking his kingdom (a new heathen calling themselves Moslems,) he would kidnap and probably kill Eugene I so as to put his own Bishop on the Throne of Rome to end the schism. Most mysterious—and convenient—was the sudden death of Eugene I, and as always shade has no alibi for that fateful night of June 2, 657.
The main theological debate at the time was how many wills Jesus had. The subject is complex and confusing, and is worth some research because it involves lots of lateral thinking and raises some interesting questions/dilemmas. Short version of the quandry: did Jesus have 1 (divine) will, or 2 wills (human and divine)? Catholics, who believed the latter, branded the former a heresy (Gk.: choice) called “monothelitism.” shade’s handiwork can best be seen in a compromising joint encyclical between Martin I and Patrarch Peter: Jesus possessed one will as a human, but his dual Divine nature (Individual and Hypostatic [part of the Trinity]) each had one will. This meant that Jesus actually had 3 wills—new theological territory indeed! This could only be shade having a logic/linguistic joke. When Martin I read the compromise to the assembled crowd of clergy at the Church of Mary Major, they were so offended and outraged that they rioted and shouted the Pope down from the pulpit, preventing him from completing Mass until he promised to renounce the new doctrine. shade was surely laughing instead.
All evidence indicates that shade spelled his name deliberately in lower case, a practice I have chosen to emulate (hence my e-mail of Stshade as opposed to StShade.). Anyway, and unfortunately, this grammatical practice ultimately led to his untimely demise. It was apparently his opinion that the only name worthy of capitalization was “God”, which raised the ire of his pompous patron, Vitalian. Despite being subjected to the dreaded tortures of The Comfey Chair, The Soft Pillows, and The Refrigerator Rack, he refused to recant. He was even forced to eat his own words, and nearly died from parchment poisoning and ink infection. shade met his end on April 19, 666 when his solitary confinement cell spontaneously combusted. No records remain of how the fire started.
That’s the short version. The long one will soon appear on my own personal page, shade’s lair, when I get around to posting it. Obviously, I had originally intended a cute short story for shade’s tale, but on doing some background research found that, as usual, the fact can be as bizarre as fancy.
“Why shouldn’t the truth be as strange as fiction? At least fiction has to make sense.”
The Hedgehog Corner
By Harriet the Hedgehog
Although most hedgehogs are the size of croquet balls, there are recorded instances of them growing as large as 600 feet. Recent excavations at Luton Airport’s main hanger found an enormous burrow with numerous quill sheddings and the word “Dinsdale” mysteriously scratched into a root of a large larch tree. The moral: give us love, respect, and plenty of mealie worms or we’ll chuff you up!
Anyone with information on Dinsdale can contact Harriet at
b-d-b-d-b-d-That’s All, Folks!
Remember, 4 out of 5 Oswalds agree: “you can’t go wrong with a Manlicher-Carcano!”
(descending vote was for a Mauser)
© 1998 (II,iii)