The Son of “Pop Quiz” 

 

 

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 the SON of “Pop Quiz”...  Answered?

   

 

Hey kids,

By far the best output yet, with a real nail biter of a finish:

  

 

And now the answers, both mine and yours:

 

  History  

 

1)  What famous gangster (according to his official autopsy report) had a penis 17" long—flaccid (!) ?    

ANSWER:  John Dillinger.  That’s flaccid, too: they think it would've been about 23" engorged.  Talk about a tool...  jesus; just stick your leg inside her.  But it’s on the “official autopsy report.”  Private size apart, that autopsy report contains two other unusual anomalies: the body was not the same height or eye color as the John Dillinger on recent prison record.  Putting aside conspiracy theories in that department, we are still left to ponder that someone on that autopsy table was packing a seventeen inch shillelagh.    

BEST ANSWERS:   

I don't deal with dick.  — Burning Bush    

I belive that this was the great ganster dickenger...  —  Vytor

I will venture a guess. Was it "Lucky" Luciano?  —  Cartesius    

DAYUMMMMMM, Cowgirl up time! in nothing but my cowboy hat and leather chaps. bring it on baby!  —  Cinder

I'm gonna just say Al Capone, because of the whole syphilis thing.  There's gotta be a reason he got got it.  It certainly wasn't Al Pacino's Scarface from the Brian DepAlma opus as I think we know the effects of cocaine... Besides, there were a lot of references to "my little friend."  —  Ryfun

wouldn't you like to know....  —  WitKnee    

Bugsy did!  Why do you think he was living in Hollywood!  He was doing the first pornos!  —  Marilewanna

Forget the name of the Dillinger-doppelganger in Illuminatus; Cuban gigalo... that guy.  —  Smoking Gun    

Bumpy Johnson  —  Morpheus    

I dont know, but it is a shame he died..hehehehehe~  —  Wolfire

I dunno, but I'm sure he was public enemy #1 with all the guys but with the women was most wanted.  —  Freezer Burn

John Dillinger, also known amongst his friends as "Pee Wee", "Hugh Gecocke", "Quarters" and, on occasion, "Mr. Really Happy To See You".  Interesting evidence: http://www.snopes.com/sex/penile/dilling.htm   —  Bruddah Max

Matthew T. Farrell (any suck-up points here?)  —  Dyna Charcoal

Dick Tracey.  —  Mango

Who cares? A flaccid one's no fun.. —  Mel

Isn't it great to be a gangsta! —  taotejay

dillinger —  djinn

 

        (bonus: where is said organ now?)    

 

ANSWER:  allegedly, it was removed and embalmed, and is in a secret vault in The Smithsonian Institute.  But of course, Branch Floridians know better:   PROOF

BEST ANSWERS:   

Now,  let me say that I have now shown this beast to two others, so the following new answers are not mine, no credit is expected.  I was, however amazed at the rapidity with which both people volunteered this answer:  The gangster was John Dillinger.  One of the people told me that Gore Vidal bought the penis (?!).  Waiting for Rigor, I suppose. (I know, it doesn't work that way). —  Ryfun (post-script)

After the organ was stolen from the morgue, it had an interesting journey.  Rumor has it that Evil Matt got a hold of it and had it grafted to his skeletal frame.  He reportedly was pleased, commenting that "It was the only bone I have been missing".  -  Rev 451  

It "sleeps with the Mrs."  —  Cartesius

Due to the modern miracles of cryogenics and organ transplantation, I think we can now finally understand the appeal of Scott Baio and why Charles really was in charge.  —  Bruddah Max
 
 In Schrodinger's Cat, it was stolen from the Smithsonian and was rechristened "King Kong" at Orgasm Research Institute.  Something like that.  —  Smoking Gun    

And it is currently in the smithsonian in a back room specially for women.  —  Vytor

Think I saw it on e-bay for 20 tons of Flax  —  Freezer Burn

on my mantle  —  Unicorn

the organ is now permanently inside of the minds of all who know this. How could you forget?  —  Gawad

he still has it  —  Dyna Charcoal

The smithsonians employee's only hall.  —  Mango

Making many, many worms VERY happy —  Mel

She said I shouldn't say. —  taotejay

fbi —  djinn



2)  What did Adolph Hitler eat an average of two pounds a day of?    

 

ANSWER:  Chocolate.  He was literally addicted to it.    

BEST ANSWERS:   

dick, see question 1.   —  Burning Bush    

Something's screaming Cauliflower at me.  He was a big vegetable guy (he can have the nasty shit).  I'm going with cauliflower, Gene.  —  Ryfun

LSD - Bad trip...  —  Cartesius  

HIS OWN WORDS —  Rev. 451 

By 1943, I'd say "crow,"  —  Smoking Gun

Well considering he died from Syphallis... I have my suspicions.... but then again I think it was nuts or something like that.  —  Marilewanna

He ate about an Average of 2 pounds of good ole' sperm a day... He needed the protein. And, lets face it he was such a little baby dick licker.  —  Vytor

Goat?!?..hehehehe, or maybe spam!!(sorry shade..had to do it for Souly)  —  Wolfire

Shit  —  Cinder    

Food. I'm pretty sure of it. There was that whole "Schlimm Fazt" period during the mid-30s, but the rest of the time it was most likely food.  —  Bruddah Max

Beef  —  Morpheus      

fibrous foods, making him constipated and really quite unpleasant.  —  WitKnee    

If Hitler is in Hell, hopefully the ashes of his dead.  —  Freezer Burn

Pigs ears  —  Unicorn    

sausage long sausage  —  Gawad

His own words  —  saint    

vegetables (I think he was a vegetarian)  —  Dyna Charcoal

Gangster Cock.  —  Mango

Beans. Trying to gas the ememy.. —  Mel

Gefilte Fish —  taotejay

veggies —  djinn

 

3)  Who did Emperor Caligula personally appoint to the Roman Senate, and give a splendid purple robe to just for the occasion?    

 

ANSWER:  His horse.  Yeah, “Little Boots” (“caligula” in Latin) was nuts anyway, but the horse thing was a statement of contempt towards the impotent Roman Senate (ie: his horse could do as good a job.)  Besides, Caligula believed he was Divine, so why did he need a senate anyway?    

BEST ANSWERS:    

17 inches of flaccid gangster dick. (and is the answer to question 1's bonus)  — Burning Bush

HIs horse  (who's name was Sanctus.)  —  Rev. 451    

[shade's peshar: actually, the horse's name was "Incitatus"]

His horse? (A horse is a horse of course of course...unless he is your Consul.)  —  Cartesius    

His royal "member"; this was the birth of the condom  —  Unicorn

[shade's peshar: hehe, that puts new meaning to "little boots"]

jesus, of course.  this is before he became the first king of France, joined the knights templar, and hauled the grail off to oak island.  (also before he disguised himself as, respectively, the Comte de Saint-Germain and the Wandering Jew, who may or may not be the same person).  the reasons for this appointment are sketchy, but Caligula is quoted as saying:  "It seemed like a good idea at the time."  —  Perky_Terrill

I think it was some barnyard animal, or possibly a horse. Some animal that has no problems defecating at the drop of a hat, which summed up nicely Caligula's impressions of the senatorial process. Or perhaps it was because the boy was insane. Also possibly because the animal had a 17" flaccid penis.  —  Bruddah Max

I think That was Claudius  —  Wolfire

Hmmmm... was it Alexander the Grape....errr uh Great... You know he was gay!  Well with the purple robe....its no wonder.  —  Marilewanna

Donny Osman ?<~~~ wrong spelling ? he wears a very splendid coat in Joseph and the amazing technicolor Dreamcoat. LOL  —  Cinder

It was his horse, and I remember even reading the name of it somewhere, along time ago in a galaxy far far away.  My take was he was saying the senete was a bunch of horses asses.  —  Smoking Gun  

His pet...pig?  DOg?  Aw, shit.  I don't remember.  Pig.  No, DOg. Oh, hell, will you accept "his pet?"  —  Ryfun  

Seeing as most Emperors were rather full of themselves (you would be too if you got to be called emperor...), I'm gonna have to say himself....  —  WitKnee    

Fuck, it was his horse, wasn't it?????  —  Ryfun (again)

nero, the robe was for easy access  —  Gawad

His best friend Brutus.  No wait, that was Julius.  —  Freezer Burn

 
Damn that Emperor was really a dick head just look.  It was Cesear da Salad that was appointed.  Really though look at his neck and head... Dick head... Or a Dick Neck you decide
 

-Vytor

Incontinentia Buttocks  —  Dyna Charcoal

uh..lesee..Tracey Lane...or..um..yeah.  —  Mango

Easy - the men in white coats. Much nicer than an "I-love-me" jacket. —  Mel

His favorite horse, Seabiscuit. —  taotejay

his ass... jack that is —  djinn

 

  Math     

1)  A boat is floating on a very small lake.  The water reaches 5 feet up the side of the boat’s 8 foot hull.  That night it rains enough to raise the lake 1 foot.  At dawn, how far up the side of the hull is the water line?    

ANSWER:  5 feet.  Sarcasm aside, everyone got this, though many of you correctly pointed out contingencies such as the boat filling with rain water and sinking, dams bursting, and other ponderances of the improbability of a foot of water falling over night.  It’s hypothetical; work with me, folks.    

BEST ANSWERS:    

3.5294 flaccid gangster dicks. —  Burning Bush    

(shade's peshar: 3.5294 flaccid gangster dicks, at 17" a pop, equals 59.9998" which is technically wrong and hopefully not the size when hard.  Still, it made me chuckle so I gave that first measurement as his score.)

Assuming the boat owner was able to bail all the rain from out of the inside of the boat, the water will still be 5 feet up the side.  —  Rev. 451    

5 feet, but dude if it rained a foot that boat would be displacing more than 5 feet of water cuz there'd be 2 of every animal on board.  —  Smoking Gun

I'm going 5 feet.  The boat didn't get any heavier.  This isn't gonna turn into a discussion of the melting of the icecaps, is it?  —  Ryfun

If it rained that much, it would sink.  so whatever the depth of the lake is.  —  Freezer Burn

Well that all depends on where they live...I mean if you are living in Arizona it won't matter.  It'll all be gone by that morning anyway.  —  Marilewanna

8 feet+, the boat sank due to a wee small hole, killing all on board  —  Unicorn     

..ummm trick question!!!...8?!?!?  —  Wolfire

A water line doesn't go UP the side of a boat; it's horizontal.  —  Dyna Charcoal

five feet of of gangster cock..., unless the rain also goes into the boat, lowering it..with weight..and stuff.  —  Mango

All the way. It was a paper boat; the rain sunk it. —  Mel

Depending on the size of the boat and the type (row boat, yacht, etc.), the amount of water the boat took on from the rain could be enough to drown it. However, assuming the boat takes on no additional load, the water will still reach 5 feet up the side of the boat's 8 foot hull. —  taotejay

how small is the lake?
how deep is the lake?
what time is dawn?
5ft —  djinn


2)  How many 3 cent stamps are there in a dozen?   

 

ANSWER:  12, unless it’s the commemorative bakers’ stamp set.    

BEST ANSWERS:    

A dozen what? A dozen 17 inch flaccid gangster dicks? None, they're dicks you idiot! Think for yourself.  —  Burning Bush

There are 12. You could use them all on a letter but it would leave one left over. Umm...I'd like one 30-cent stamp, please...stupid post office.  —  Cartesius

A dozen what? I bet I could put a lot of stamps on a dozen cans of Jolt.  —  Unicorn  

12 - can I borrow one?  —  Rev. 451    

Lets see a dozen is 12 and then 3 cents each that would be 36 cents. and still 12 stamps.  —  Vytor

lets see.... 3 times 33 times 13 times 12 times the square root of 68.03 plus eye of newt.... 12  —  WitKneec

Twelve. Stamps is stamps, even when theys a dozen. Yep.   —  Bruddah Max

A dozen what?  If it's a dozen other 3 cent stamps, then 12, but if it's a dozen monkeys in a dozen barrels with a dozen typewriters rewriting Othello, then it would be 12000 , to cover the postage.  — Smoking Gun  

well I suppose there would be a dozen...unless of course you wanna know how many 3 cent stamps make up a dozen pennies in which case its four.  In either case you don't have jack shit!  No one uses 3 cent stamps!  —  Marilewanna

12  —  Dyna Charcoal

12, unless it's a bakers dozen. Then you get a donut.  —  Mango

326. The lady at the post office has a faulty abacus. —  Mel

12 (equaling 36 cents) —  taotejay

a dozen of what? —  djinn

 

  3)  I have 5 piles of rocks, you have 3 piles of rocks.  If we put them together, how many piles would we have?    

 

ANSWER:  1    

BEST ANSWERS:    

Enough to be the first to throw a stone at messiahs hiding giant GANGSTER DICKS!  —  Burning Bush  

None.  Once we have merged our piles, they become one pile which then becomes property of the BF collective.  —  Rev. 451 

The answer is one. However, I suggest you keep your rock to yourself. (I prefer urban-industrial.)  —  Cartesius

1 piel, screaming "Help I'm A Rock!"  —  Smoking Gun      

One big ass pile of rocks. Under which, of course, is Dillinger's 17" flaccid penis.  —  Bruddah Max

Humm, this one is rough.. 5 piles added to 3 piles is a total of 8 piles added to one pile would leave you with ONE PILE... That contains what was.. 8 piles.     Now are these Piles to get your rocks off with?  —  Vytor

The answer is 8 piles although why the hell do I have a pile of rocks?
and who's to say we don't make one big giant rock pile...and what about the obnoxious little kid that I need to throw a few at?  —  Marilewanna

(i'm assuming we're using caveman numbering systems here, if we're only clever enough to be piling up rocks, and can't figure this out to begin with:  please note that if we are using the caveman number system, this question is worded poorly and should be amended as follows:  "I have many piles of rocks, and you have many piles of rocks.  If we put them together, how many piles would we have?"   of course, this could be a trick question, in which case i'm going to say zero, since neither one of us has a dock, or anything similar, with piles.  (or a bunch of arrows, now that i'm consulting my dictionary.  but i digress.)  —  Perky_Terrill    

My brain says 8, my gut says I'm missing something.  I'm gonna kick myself, aren't I?  —  Freezer Burn    

I have a feeling that you are trying to trick me here... however, my dayquil is kicking in and my right eye is starting to twitch. I have no answer, seek advice elsewhere.  —  WitKnee

ONE FUCKING PILE!  —  Ryfun

One happy little orgy-pile of rocks  — Unicorn  

1 big damn pile of rocks  —  Dyna Charcoal

Two, one pile of rocks, and one pile of constipated wiener dogs with their tails on fire  —  Mango

We'd be to busy complaining about backache to worry. —  Mel

Were the piles kept separate, then 8. But, of course, they aren't, so one big ass pile. —  taotejay

one —  djinn

 

science:    

 

1)  You have 2 pools of water.  One’s temperature is 20 degrees, the other is 40 degrees.  If you drop a bowling ball into each, which pool will the ball sink faster in?    

ANSWER:  The 40 degree pool.  If the other pool is 20 degrees, it would be FROZEN SOLID.  Almost everybody missed this, though most of you who got it pointed out that the question is moot because I don’t specify Celsius vs. Fahrenheit, which demonstratably makes a difference.    

BEST ANSWERS:    

I would guess the hotter the water, the faster the ball sinks, except the warm water would not encourage the 17 inch ganster dick to stay flaccid and as such it would impede the motion of the bowling balls.  —  Burning Bush   

Again, I'll have to go on the assumption that you are referring to degrees Farenheit !  (My personal favorite - Celsius sucks!)   If so, the ball will sink faster in the second (40') pool.  Even a very dense bowling ball will have a hard time sinking in ice.  —  Reverend Fairinheight 451  

 Same differents, both sinks the same, unless you are talking 20 & 40 degrees below.then neither would sink at all.  —  Cinder
 
The one the bowler is tethered to.  —  Morpheus    

Well if the 1 pool is 20 d. then its frozen.  But you don't specify which side of the ice you're dropping the ball from.  —  Smoking Gun    

Whichever pool is deeper.  —  Freezer Burn     

I don't bowl.  —  Dyna Charcoal

If you're dropping a bowling ball into water, i don't think you'r sober enough to care.  —  Mango

They'll sink at the same rate - I super glued them together. —  Mel

If the temperature is Celsius, then the ball could theoretically sink faster in the 40 degree water since it would be less dense (assuming of course the only difference is the temperature and each pool is the same volume). Of course, since the assumption in the USA (the only non-metric country) is that the temperature is in Farhrenheit, then the ball won't sink in 20 degree water since it becomes a solid below 32 degrees (although if you drop the ball from really high up, you can get ice for margaritas!) —  taotejay

i don't have the balls to answer this one —  djinn

 

2)  In 1943, Dr. Albert Hoffmann attempted to create a cure for headaches, but ended up a bit off the mark.  What did he accidentally invent instead?    

ANSWER:  LSD.  He accidentally spilled some of the last batch (#6) on his hand, and then left to go home for lunch.  Fifteen minutes later he began the most surreal bicycle ride in history, with absolutely no idea what was happening to him.    

BEST ANSWERS:    

17 inches of flaccid gangster dick so that no woman would ever want to have a headache again.  —  Burning Bush    

(shade's Peshar:  This would be true!  With a 17" gangster dick, it wouldn't be her head that would ache...)  

LSD!  Anybody wanna go for a bike ride?  —  Rev. 451

Lysergic Acid Diethalymide (LSD, Acid, etc.) - Great for experiments!!! Amaze your friends!!!   —  Cartesius

LSD, or lysergic acid (sour) diethylamide-25. Quite possibly, Dr. Al is the greatest human being to walk the earth (except, of course, Frank Zappa, but that's a given).  —  Bruddah Max

LSD, Acid, Fuel for Bob.  — Ryfun

Colors!  Trails!  Vapors!  LSD.  He inhaled too many fumes, then went home for lunch and his sandwich started talking to him.  pRobbably begging for its life.  —  Smoking Gun

Heroin!!! Ohhhh yeah!  —  Merilewanna

Flabber — Cinder    

He accidentally invented his own FU@^ N headache..  —  Vytor

Would you still love me if I spoke only in "Magic Eight Ball" phrases?  —  WitKnee    

The answer you are looking for is lsd, but I am going to nitpick thatHoffman "invented" it.  Synthesize the #6 formula, yes, but lysergic acid dyethlamide occurs naturally, such as in certain types of bread mold.  There are cases of people in the French Revolution eating moldy bread and then going immediately insane, jumping out windows or talking nonsense as if possessed.  —  Freezer Burn

Trephaning.  —  Dyna Charcoal

erectile elongaion pills, tested by a gangster.  —  Mango

A mallet. Cause before cure. —  Mel

LSD (look at the way cool colors, eh!) —  taotejay

lobotamy —  djinn

 

 3)  What was the first man-made device to break the sound barrier?    

ANSWER:  Cartesius said it best: 

The whip. The "snap" is a small sonic boom. The end of the whip is traveling faster than 764 mph...thus it breaks the sound barrier by the use of centrifugal force.  Stupid Newton and his fancy physics.    

BEST ANSWERS:    

My old girlfriends hand as she's trying to stroke the 17 inch flaccid gangster penis into engorgement. I guess a dick or hand isn't man-made so... fire. Man made fire which gave off light that travels faster than sound. If you want an answer where the actual object that travels that fast is man made then fireworks (ancient Chinese).  —  Burning Bush

Gunpowder, plus anything propelled by it (such as a bullet)  The second manmade object to break the barrier would he brain fragments blowing BACK AND TO THE LEFT.  —  Smoking Gun  

That would be my car taking me to the store to get the new Korn album.  —  Marilewanna

Is a fart considered a man-made device?  —  Rev. 451

The whip. Second would be the whipping out of John Dillinger's 17" flaccid penis.  —  Bruddah Max

A rocket of some sort?  V-2?  — Ryfun

hmm, I could think of a hundred things..but I dont know which one was first..dang it!!*smacks herself*  —  Wolfire

I like waffles  —  WitKnee

[shade's peshar: Groom Lake, Nevada has and it’s share or U.F.W.’s  (Unidentified Flying Waffles) and  I have actually found reference of a supersonic waffle in the Inca legends concerning Machu Pichu.  Still, whips predate this.]

A vibrator.  —  Morpheus    

Megaphone.  If it's amplifying the volume of your voice, wouldn't it amplify the speed as well, thus breaking the sound barrier?  —  Freezer Burn    

not a damned clue & I'm not asking Jeeves another freaking thing  —  Unicorn  

New York Times reports that Nathan P. Myhrvold, Microsoft's chief technology officer, working with a paleontologist, has developed a computer model that provides evidence that some dinosaurs may have been able to use their tails like bull whips, creating a cannon-like sonic boom by exceeding the speed of sound with the last few inches of the tail. Thus, dinosaurs,and not Chuck Yeager, may have been the first life forms on the planet to break the sound barrier. It struck me as somehow appropriate that Microsoft's CTO would concernhimself with how to make a dinosaur go so fast. But that was not the question and the question was what device broke the barrier and that item or device was a whip.  —  Vytor

The buttocks (well, they broke the wind barrier, at any rate.)  —  Dyna Charcoal

The first domestic wiener dog, chasing its own tail, creating his stupid, non-existant tail, to whip.  —  Mango

A baby. Probably my neighbours at 2am in the morning. —  Mel

The slave worker that fell off the top of the Colossus statue —  taotejay

bull whip —  djinn

 

  English    

 

1)  Pick the non-intoxicated one(s): (1 point per)       

ANSWER:  Trick question!  None of them (see entries,) and recognition of that was where the points were.  Admirably, a few raise an excellent suggestion for death being a mitigating factor of non-sobriety.  Then again I suspect if you were to snort, say, William Burroughs' ashes, you'd commune with Cthulhu for a century.    

BEST ANSWERS:    

Does getting high on gangster dick count? And are we talking now, or ever. I would have to argue that all of the dead ones are non-intoxicated. —  Burning Bush

    a) shade - Claims not to be intoxicated...but you can't trust a scribe.
    b) Samuel Taylor Coleridge - Can't be him...mariners are always drunk.
    c) William S. Burroughs - Are you serious?
    d) Ken Keasey - Forget it...I'm not finishing...their all drunk...damn.
    —  Cartesius

Why give a question wherein there is no hope of getting any points?  — Ryfun 

  a) shade.  You default to non-intoxicated because of the BF 'deny evberything' policy.  Though you probably have a pretty serious caffeine & niccotine buzz.  —  Smoking Gun    

>     a) shade— hahah since I've spent a many nights sitting with shade getting intoxicated...this can't be.
>     b) Samuel Taylor Coleridge— Probably this man isn't a drunk. Since I don't konw who he is.
>     c) William S. Burroughs —-  This man practically invented drugs.
>     d) Ken Keasey- haahahahaha yeah right...anyone who can right as phuqed up a book as One Flew over the Cuckoo's nest....
>     e) Dr. Seuss-  You KNOW this man was on drugs... I mean a horton hears a who?  I'm sure this is something he came up with in a drug induced hallucination.. or a night of drinking.
>     f) Paul of Tarsus — I think Paul was definately a drunk...I mean with all the wine he was always drinkin.
  —  Marilewanna

Dr. Seuss's books are so blantantly promoting alcoholism that he can't be an option. I've never really heard of Coleridge, Burroughs, or Keasey, EVERYBODY knows that Paul of Tarsus was a bumbling drunk, and shade? well.... I think we all know what THAT's about....  —  WitKnee      

I will day that the NON-Intoxicated ones were all of them.... (When they were born). And the dead ones, well them too.  —  Vytor

a) shade 
Modern scientific method has not been able to accurately discern any quantifiable difference between Shade's sober and intoxicated states, so non-intoxicated status is indeterminable.

b) Samuel Taylor Coleridge 
"Water, water, every where, And all the boards did shrink; Water, water, every where, Nor any drop to drink." You make the call. I'm going with generally unsober.

c) William S. Burroughs 
Only when Dr. Benway is dealing harshly with espontaneos in the operating theatre. Otherwise unsober.

d) Ken Keasey 
Are we talking pre-Bus or post-Bus Kesey here? Actually, now that I think of it, that's not much of a difference. Definitely unsober.

e) Dr. Seuss 
Stone cold sober, if only to remember it was a beetle bottle puddle paddle battle, not a beetle bottle poodle paddle battle.

f) Paul of Tarsus 
Paul was sobred by his vision in the desert. But in the Saul days, whoah mama.  —  Bruddah Max

You & Paul.  Actually, would being intoxicated on God count?  —  Freezer Burn

a  —  Dyna Charcoal

§) I can touch my nose, can you touch yours? Come back Harvey! Come back! Damn bunny.. Dr. Seuss too.  —  Mango

*hic* Who cares? —  Mel

They're all stoned!! —  taotejay

a) shade is a saint and saint's don't drink... —  djinn


  2)  What is unusual about this sentence:  "Jack's wife loved his big quartz sphinx" ?  

 

  ANSWER:  I’m throwing this question out, because (once again) I flubbered up.  It should read: 

 “Jack’s wife loved my big quartz sphinx.” 

A couple of you pointed out I inadvertently left off punctuation, but the meat is the missing “my”.  With that, the sentence becomes a pangram: all the letters of the alphabet appear in it.  Fortunately, many of you saw through the intent, and kudos point to Perky_'  and Vytor for remembering what the word was; Evil Matt had forgotten.    

BEST ANSWERS:  

She was talking about his 17 inch flaccid penis and calling it a quartz sphinx.  —  Burning Bush     

This sentence uses every letter in the Alphabet repeated as minimal as you can. Also known as a pangram. People say Panagram? And I say yes a Panogram of BARBUQUE SAUSE!!! A gram of BBQ Sause is not enough it should be a tonogram....  —  Vytor  

You can spell "Yum" with the letters NOT used from the alphabet. Thought you were clever didn't you.  —  Cartesius

Other than the fact that it's completely stupid!?    It contains all letters of the alphabet except M and Y.  —  Rev. 451

No idea, but do you have Jack's wife's phone number?  I've got a "big quartz sphinx" she'd love as well.  (I like the metaphor ehehe)  —  Smoking Gun    

? Hiswife loved his what???...quartz sphinx...hmm, they dont really go together do they??  —  Wolfire

Um, it's hard as hell to say 3 times fast?  —  Freezer Burn 

It uses every letter in the English alphabet at least once. The other unusual thing is that Jack's wife actually loved John Dillinger's big quartz sphinx  —  Bruddah Max

Hey! He told me he wasn't married! (Bastard!)  —  Unicorn  

there are all the letters of the alphabet in it...and all the colors of the rainbow, too!  —  Dyna Charcoal

you're sphinx is neither large nor quartz. It's brass, and she uses it as a toothpick. Only the best 17 inch gangster schlong for her.  —  Mango

When typing, it gives all your fingers a thourough workout (it's a panagram. Woo hoo!) —  Mel

It uses the entire English alphabet —  taotejay

nothing's unusual... i love it too —  djinn

  3)  Write a palindrome.    

 

ANSWER:  Apologies if the implication was that you had to spontaneously create one; many of you admitted you went to the dictionary so that's cool.    

BEST ANSWERS:   

Doc note, I dissent, a fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.  
Gangster dick keeps me away too.  —Burning Bush

A Noλl, elle te traηa la carte telle Lιona  —  Unicorn

How is this...
Pater - get a Luger & regulate Greta P.  —  Vytor

Poor Dan is in a droop  -  Smoking Gun

a: Notlob.
b: my fax number at work: 264-5462
c. what if there were a Jewish gossip web site: yada a day?  —  Ryfun

A man, a plan, a canal. Panama! (Note: This is also a list of things Manuel Noriega is not allowed to have as determined by the government of the United States of America.)  —  Bruddah Max

"a man, a plan, a canal, panama!" (That was the dictionary's example) 
"To get a rate got"  I just made that one up... it doesn't make sense.  —  WitKnee    

Bob or Dad or mom -  Cinder    

able was I ere I saw Elba.
.I know that one!!  —  Wolfire

Madam I'm Adam.  —  Morpheus

Madam, I'm Adam.  (a classic!)  —  Rev. 451    

Able was I ere I saw Elba  -  Freezer Burn    

i wrote a brilliant palindrome, but unfortunately this margin was too small to contain it.  (obligatory Fermat reference)  —  Perky_Terrill  

I roamed under it a tired nude Maori  —  saint  

I don't know any palindromes...nor do I have their addresses.  Sorry.  —  Marilewanna

[shade’s peshar —  NOT TRUE!  Anyone can write to a palindrome!  palindrome@branchfloridians.org ]

A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!  —  Dyna Charcoal

Go hang a salami, i'm a lasagna hog - Me. No. Really. Not. Stop! no poop on pots - Chinese Food guy - I swear to god he said this.  —  Mango

a palindrome. —  Mel

A palindrome (ok, just kidding "mom") —  taotejay

lewd did I live, & evil I did dwel... not original but true —  djinn


 

(obligatory Alice in Wonderland extra credit question)

 

       Who was at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party?  (1 point per)    

ANSWER:  Any answer was acceptable, though for those who want to know it’s kudos to Burning Bush, who went to the trouble of digging up the text (as well as an expected addendum...)  In the Disney animated adaptation (which blended ‘Adventures’ with ‘Looking Glass’) the White Rabbit stops by briefly.  This is not in the book, which, technically, was not specified in the wording of the question.    

 
  There was a table set out under a tree in front of the house, and the March Hare and the (Mad) Hatter were having tea at it: a Dormouse was sitting between them, fast asleep, and the other two were using it as a cushion, resting their elbows on it, and talking over its head. “Very uncomfortable for the Dormouse,” thought Alice; “only, as it’s asleep, I suppose it doesn’t mind.”  

 

BEST ANSWERS:   

The gangster dick was not mentioned as it was steeping in the tea.   —  Burning Bush

ALSO PRESENT (but left out of the Disney film):   Adolph Hitler Dutch Shultz Malaclypse the Younger shade the Scribe   (who do you think wrote all this down?  Lewis Carroll was too hung-over from the night before to make the tea-party, so shade graciously went in his place) —  Rev. 451 

5. Ralph Minton (Car salesman who sells insurance on the side.)
6. Leghk the Lactic (Guardian of the Cheese)   —  Cartesius

1. Mad Hatter, 2.March Hare, 3. White Rabbit 4. You know those tea pots were alive. (if you're gonna be anthropomorphic, might as well go all the way) 5.  That little mouse guy. 6. Alice.  I believe if you look closely you'll see Don Dokken, but I'm not sure.  — Ryfun  

Dormouse, Mad Hatter, Marsh Hare, Intended to be there but never showed.... Zappa. Korn, Mr BIC. and Mr Zippo to bring the lighters. Mr G. Schlager and Mr Curevo. JD also was suppose to be there but did not make it to the table :).    —  Vytor

At what point in the party?  Before ALice showed up, The March Hare was buggering the White Rabbit on the tea cart, the Mad Hatter was doing lines with Dennis Hopper and Bill (the Lizard with the Ladder.)  After Alice left, Dynah (who'd actually followed Alice ) showed up and chased the Doormouse around, until the Cheshire Cat showed up and seduced her.  The party was also catered by Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber   —  Smoking Gun
 
Fortunately, I was a fill-in bouncer at that party so I had a guest list. However, it was used as toilet paper in a recent Life or Death situation....  —  WitKnee    

Lets see...How about the Mad Hatter?  Since it was his party.  Alice I think... Tweedle dee and tweedle dumb?  I seem to remember a smile coming into view...like a big cat.  I dunno...last time I was watching Alice In wonderland I was frying and was only watching the colors.  —  Marilewanna

Mad Hatter
Alice
Teamouse
White Rabitt
Walt Disney (in his formative years)
Lando Calrissian (had no choice, really, he did what he had to do)  —  Bruddah Max

Christ, I need a cup of strong coffee to remember that, but I guess tea would be moer appropriot.  Alice, Hatter, the March Hare, the little doormouse in the teapot.  i think.  —  Freezer Burn

The mad hatter, the march hare, the dormouse, Alice.  —  Dyna Charcoal

Dormouse, Hatter (hatta), Alice, and Hare (haigha). The chesire cat was right before their. And you might wanna include the sisters in the treacle well. They like gangster schlong too.  —  Mango

Everybody who was anybody!!  The teapot. Mad Hatter chappie. Doormouse. The March Hare (April Rabbit was on holiday), some chairs. Ummm... and Alice? Christoper Robin was at the Palace.. —  Mel

The March Hare, Alice and a Dormouse (and the Mad Hatter, of course) —  taotejay

Mad Hatter
alice —  djinn


     

THANKS FOR PLAYING!

 

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A short sermon on the evils of scoring    

 

Part of the problem, and a real fun-killer for some (myself included) is that it largely comes down to a subjective judgment call on my part about how much style something is worth, a process about which I unfortunately am not the most consistent or inerrant at.  For instance, I felt Burning Bush deserved 17 style points for his theme answers, which seemed an appropriate number to give him.  Theoretically, an answer referencing Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy could get 42 points and a really saucy answer could carry a style bonus of 69 points, which throws things out of whack for the rest.  Many of you also find fault with things like point loss for Zappa bashing and such, which are strictly valid complaints but overlook the humor value.  Then again, I had kind of pictured this like the original "Who's Line is it Anyway?" where the scoring is meaningless and actually part of the schtick.    Anyway, I think if I do these in the future there will be no score system, unless there is overwhelming public outcry to the contrary.  So I'll leave it up to you:

 

Click to vote:


YES!

I need the flax!

  No!

Evil Matt can't add for shat