Gumby's Pizza Sucks
What’s a man gotta do to get some extra
I love cheese. Cheese is my friend. I am one with the Tao of Cheese.
I’m all for foods that use cheese, so you can guess that pizza holds a special place in my heart.
Granted, I lived in Chicago for 7 years, which is world famous for its ’za, so I have the portfolio to be a pizza snob. Up there they do it deep dish style, and the thing literally is a pie filled with cheese. That’s how a pizza should be. So maybe I’m spoiled when it comes to cheese on my pizza, but I am still happy with what I can get outside of the deep dish realm.
Or so I thought.
Near Desert Palm was a Gumby’s Pizza, and we used to order from them all the time. I quickly noticed a pattern among pizzas they sent over: they were so skimpy on sauce and cheese that you could literally see the dough most of the time.
I thought that was just wrong, but I also wondered if it was just me. Most of my pizza-eating compatriots weren’t complaining. Then again, they were usually too busy stuffing their faces to notice.
Still, I had a powerful craving for cheese one night, and decided to perform a test.
Gumby’s had a carry-out special: a large 2 item pie for five bucks.
I called them up and asked for that. My items: two extra cheeses.
So I get down there to pick up my pie, and open the box right in front of the manager.
As I had feared, the cheese was meager.
“Dude,” I cry, “this is not extra cheese!”
“Sure it is.”
I begin pulling it apart with my hands; with two extra layers of cheese this should be a bit of an effort, but it wasn’t.
“This isn’t extra cheese; this is a rip off.”
The manager was standing right there, and explained to me “Well, we weigh out how much cheese we put on, and the proper amount is there.”
“Look, I don’t care what thimbles you use to ration out your cheese, this is bullshit.”
The man reaches over and picks up a small ounce-sized portion cup. He then points accusingly at one of the parts of the pizza I had not ravaged. There was a pepperoni-sized clump of melted cheese: you could tell the portion cup had just been upended.
“Look,” I despair, “I paid for two extra cheeses, and I don’t see it. This may meet your corporate standards, but it does not meet mine as a consumer. I’ll buy the pie, but I’m taking my business elsewhere.”
The manager just didn’t get it: in his eyes he had done no wrong, so he could not see why I was unhappy. Obviously, he thought it was my fault, and was an inch short of abusive in expressing this.
Anyway, I am convinced that this is a conspiracy to deprive me of my cheese! A pox on the Gumbys Dairy Gestapo and their portion cups. These Cheese Nazis need to be dealt with!
I wrote a letter to Gumby’s Corporate and cc:’d it to firstname.lastname@example.org (their e-dress at the time.) They actually read it; too: I had the mail receipt for it, but lost it when I had to reinstall AOL. Needless to say, they ignored it.
My cry for extra cheese was taken up by many loyal Branch Floridians. Their testimonies are below. The most conclusive proof of the extra cheese conspiracy came from K-Ynot, who got a Gumby’s manager confession that they routinely rip off customers with the cheese. I fwd:’d her story to email@example.com but the trace showed they deleted it without reading.
With a subject line of “Proof Gumby’s is cheating its customers” I don’t wonder why...
The Crusade for Extra Cheese
Obviously, I am not the only one who feels cheated in the cheese department. Many Branch Floridians and kindred spirits have offered up evidence and testimonials to the wholesale fraud being conspired and committed against us.
offers first hand proof of this.
became the first Branch Floridian martyr from his scary efforts to get some extra cheese.
may have been Oswalded by Gumby’s delivery drivers as a direct retaliation from saint’s complaining about the cheese.
But why take my word for it....
Here is actual testimonial from an apostate Gumby’s manager!
“...a 16" pizza has between 7.5 and 8 ounces of cheese. That’s the same as a normal pizza shops 12" pie. They are all cheap asses.”
PROOF that Scumby’s is an tentacle of the Brain Police Octopus, skimming cheese and money off the top to help bankroll the Brain Police take-over. Now you know who the “Big Cheese” is!
Of course, Scumby’s Pizza aren’t limiting their harassment tactics to Branch Floridians and apostate ex-managers, no sir! They are dairy raping the “average customer” — people just like you!
Here are some unsolicited true horror stories from complete strangers done wrong by the Cheeseless Demons:
This just in!
Dont see anything about the Scumby's in Raleigh NC. Short story long: closed down by Wake County Health and Enviromental Services after posting the LOWEST SCORE EVER RECEIVED BY A FOOD ESTABLISHMENT, a 60.5 which followed on the heels of a 70 three months prior. Got double points off for not taking care of the sanitation issues found prior. Things like: broken top of toilet seat, failure to replace the vinyl curtain in the cooler, which because they didn't get the cooler door adjusted so it would shut properly, caused mildew and mold spores on the racks and products in the cooler; etc, etc, etc. And poor Chance- he says they are being persecuted (!!!!!!!) by the authorities. Says no one has gotten sick (no true), says guy showed up at 11PM - no doubt because the last couple of times he has had to wait for hours (literally) for the slime that passes as the GM to show up.
Meanwhile, Our Efforts Continue...
As of 2004, it seems the Crusade for Extra cheese have exorcised Gumby’s Pizza from Arizona. That’s right: ’Zona is Gumby-less!
Obviously, our efforts will next focus on Florida, both the home state to the Gumby pizza pirates and a state whose importance to Branch Floridians should be face-value.
In the meanwhile, I have been researching this scourge, and have unearthed proof that potentially links Gumby’s Pizza to both the Ranch Peninsular Heresy and the Jonestown massacre. Our valiant efforts have helped uncover the truth behind the term “Cheese Nazi,” and we fear this moniker may go further back to the Aryan Dairy Nation.
As shown, the Ranch Peninsulars are in on the cheese thieving, and one of their members has spoken out in Gumby’s defense. Sort of. Read this heinous heretical rant, if you dare!
Indeed, it seems that the few defending Scumby’s aren’t limited to those directly associated with the R.P. scheme. Check out this unsolicited trailer trash rant, as well as my infamous reply.
But of course what would Pizza feedback be without a word from the Cheese Thieves themselves? In the interest of fair play (and because it helps prove my point how heinous these fiends are) here are a few posts from low-level Pizza Peons themselves:
One driver defends Gumby’s as retribution against the bottom-of-the-barrel customer base. Yeah, those damned customers, getting in the way of doing your job... If they’d only leave you alone, then you could get work done, right?
An especially scary testimonial from one driver about how badly they like to treat their customers.
Yet another driver’s reply apologizing for corporate standards. Most surprising is the final comment: “Other than that, your site hit it right on the nose.”
The infamous gangsta/pokey butter harangue, replete with my reply.
By now, it should be obvious from this weak showing in defense of their own employer that Gumby’s has not only hit rock bottom but started to dig...
I have been employed by gumby’s for five years and i fully and totally agree with your site. I have passed along your site to others, we have many stories and would love to help bring gumby DOWN!!!
So what can you do???
As you can see, this is a major problem undermining our society, and we cannot stand by idly while these cheese thieves rape us in our dairy intake!
You should be!
You too can bitch to Gumby’s
Jeff O’Brien or Chance Hippler
the Crusade for Extra Cheese!
Got a Gumby’s horror story? your pain. We hear you!
(all submissions become property of the Branch Floridians, so hateful Gumby’s cronies are advised to think before they hit send)
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